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Thursday, December 16, 2010

old navy

So yesterday with the whole clothing thing....

I borrowed Daisy's shirt to wear tonight. It's a regular 2x as opposed to the Women's Plus 2x (or in my previous case Women's Plus 4x). It fits great, but I still don't feel it's dressy enough... so I was trying to think of what to do.

Duh, I can go to Old Navy and try on another 2x top. I promise I won't be disappointed if nothing fits, but it will be really great to be able to shop inside of an Old Navy store instead of online where they make us fatties shop.

I weighed myself at work today (I brought my digital scale here because for some reason there is no place in my house that I can use it and get an accurate reading. It said 299.8, I put a jug of water on it which weighs 8.4 so I know if it's correct, then I weighed myself again. 299.8. I'm not going to get overexcited because we have the work dinner tonight (seafood pasta is what I'm getting) and I use the scale at the gym to give me my official readings because it's consistant.

I'm very happy with my progress. It has been frustrating more often than not... but I'm appreciating that I am working hard, and even if I "cheat" I own up to it. It's important to be culpable. Even if Troy gives us a not healthy dinner, I can decide to eat it as it is, or modify it, or not eat it at all. I have the power. My body is an extention of my mind..... if I can control my mind, I can control my body.

We're having our Holiday BBQ on Saturday. Last party I controlled myself and did good. This party will be the same. It's more laid back now, it's a potluck party. It's easier for me.

75.2 lbs down... 100 more to go. I can do this.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010


Ok... it's not about Eminem... it's about cleaning out my closet.

So, I went to my closet today to look for an outfit to wear to my office's holiday dinner tomorrow. It's a tavern so not too cas, not to dressy. I have a cute pair of denim trousers that I tried on yesterday that I knew fit (for the first time since 11/08 when I wore them to see Madonna). I was going to look for another pair of jeans that I haven't worn in over 2 years as well to see how they fit now. I learned 2 things from this seemingly innocent journey:

1. I have NO clothes!! Hanging on hangers are a shirt that I've had since 94 that I have worn for some of the biggest things I have done in my life. It's a cute Phat Farm shirt (a now defunct---or soon to be clothing company) that was not as fashionable as it was descriptive for most years. I also have 2 pairs of pants on one hanger that I don't know what they look like, but everytime I see the hanger I know for a fact that I hate the pants. Why they're still there, no clue. But they'll be there until I move (just signed a 2 year lease and love where I live). I also had the trousers on the hanger. I rummaged the bottom of the closet, bypassing the guitar, the curtains, and the cat bed, and found the other jeans. Bringing me to my next lesson:

2. My old pants, that I wore when I broke my ankle 2/08 before I gained ALL my weight back and I considered my reference point of how far I am in my weight loss and how far I need to go, are too big! When I say too big, I don't mean pop a Perfect Fit Button on them and keep moving. I mean, 1993 baggy jeans on showing the boxers baggy. Ok... well not that much, but you get the idea. NO WAY could I wear them out, let alone a work dinner. It means sooo much to me that I fit these, you can't possibly understand. It means, now I am not just losing weight *just* to get to the weight I was before I really started packing on the pounds, it means that I can start losing weight. It means that I am currently just under the weight that I was before "my injuries" caused me to start gaining weight.

This is amazing. All this time I've been working to get to the weight I was last year this time, and I took it back almost 3 years. AND it only took 6 1/2 months to repair. That's fucking awesome. Seriously, think about it.

So, I thought I had a shirt that I bought at Old Navy, but I can't find it. My daughter has taken to wearing my clothes (oversized and all). She doesn't return things. I found the shirt that I wore at the dinner last year, but coupled with the trousers that are also kinda big but I'm ignoring, it makes me look like, well, my old size. I don't want to do that. So... now what?

I don't know. It doesn't even really make sense for me to buy something, I'm not going anywhere else besides work and gym. Plus, if I try to buy something, what size am I??

Monday, December 6, 2010

Pic from 60lb loss (Oct 29th)

I really need to update more often....

Well, I'm almost under 300 lbs. I'm 301 right at this moment. It's a wonderful feeling, but I'm also wondering how the hell I let myself get to the point where losing 75lbs would *just* put me to the 300lb mark, but it happened, I changed it, and I'm going to keep going.

Usually I battle with body image.... when I'm really fat I don't feel like I look too bad, when I lose weight I feel fat. I am not dealing with this too much lately. It's a great thing. I look in the mirror and actually feel pretty damn good. I'm proud of myself for doing this, for being healthier. And I'm essentially doing it alone, Troy has fallen off the wagon slightly over these last few months. I'm getting him back slowly but surely. It's just better when we do it together, it's more support. If I'm doing it alone, I'm more susceptible to eating whatever he's eating, and not being as diligent with exercise.

I bought scrubs in size 2x (from my previous 4x) and it took me a few weeks to fit the bottoms, now they fit. It's awesome to see changes like that. I'm selling my old 4x winter coat on ebay, going to go through my scrubs and donate the big ones, even if it leaves me just 4 pairs of scrubs. I need to get rid of it all. Make it disappear. I'll be damned if I go back.

Odd, no one mentions that I look different. I wonder if I do to other people. I work for a dentist and we see the same patients 2-4 times a year, sometimes a lot more. Someone has to notice, right? I mean it's 74lbs. Do people see it and are too polite to mention it? Is it because they've seen me go from small to huge and just are tired of my changes? WTF? A guy at the gas station I go to noticed. So that's good. Troy and my Mom compliment me all the time... they know I thrive off of compliments.

Wonder if I lost that pound yet. Typing burns calories, right?

I'm getting muscles. It's cool. I don't want to look like a bodybuilder, but I want to be cut. I have so much skin from the gastric bypass and it's not tightening up. It bothers me sometimes because it distracts from my muscles, I have to pull the skin back to show them. But they're there. I can leg press 360 pounds, that's awesome for a chick.

I'm getting my collarbone back. It was the thing I was most fond of when I lost weight before. Seeing that bone. It was proof that I was smaller, even if I couldn't see it anywhere else. If I stand at a certain angle I can see it now, peeking at me, giving me the hint of what's to come.

I can squat now. I have a torn meniscus in my right knee, and it used to hurt constantly. I couldn't squat down to pick up something that I dropped, I couldn't squat down to pet a dog. Now, I can squat, and not grunt getting back up. Actually, come to think of it, my knee doesn't hurt now. Wow... I guess it didn't like the extra weight.

I'm on Adderall now for my ADHD. It takes away my appetite, which is good because I'm also on Seasonale (or Seasonique--- can't remember which) birth control. So they balance each other out. I've always had a problem with migraines and weight gain with birth control, but I'm such a raving bitch during PMS that it's worth it to deal with that so I don't hurt anyone.

Hmmm, anything else? I don't think so. Not for now. I'll update more, I promise (to try).

Oh, I lost 5 lbs during Thanksgiving, so I'm not going to be plagued with holiday gain... not a holiday person anyway, so it doesn't really affect me anyway.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010


I'm still here. Minus 60 lbs.. but still here! :)

Will update soon!

Monday, September 13, 2010

Still here...

Just been a little busy.
This past week or two (let's be honest), I haven't really been eating too well for dinner. Lots of getting takeout, etc. I have been in the mood for fish lately and I just don't eat fish. Ever. I mean, in 15 years I haven't had fish once. When I did eat it, it was always fried on a sandwich with cheese. So that's what I've been having. Ugh. Like almost every day last week. My body is pretty aware, and if I'm deficient in something I will crave a food with that something. It's cool in a way.

So my weight has stayed the same. I'm still exercising almost every day. I skipped Saturday. I'm not sure why. Just procrastinated until it was too late and I was too tired. My eating at work has been perfect.. just at home not so much. It's hard because Troy has been working a lot of overtime, so neither of us really were eating how we should. If one of us eats like shit, then we both do. It's an enabler type thing.

BUT---- this weekend when I looked in the mirror I could actually see weight loss. Like seriously see it on my own. That was amazing for me. I could sometimes see it in pictures if I had an old one next to it. But to look in the mirror and say damn, I look good.... not typical of me. I must be doing something right. It's encouraging.

My coworker literally just told me that she can see my weight loss. I love it!!!

Sunday, August 1, 2010


This pic shows current weight, not what it was that day.

Ok, so the other day I practically killed myself. Working out like crazy, not eating, all the stuff you're not supposed to do. Then yesterday I went to the Brooks and Dunn concert, pretty much ate like shit....(still under my calories for the day and worked out but didn't eat healthy) and when I weighed myself at the gym this morning I lost 3.5 lbs!!!!!!!! I'm soooo fucking happy! I haven't really lost in a few weeks. Just gained a pound, lost the pound. It was pretty tedious. But all of my hard work really is paying off. I'm not going to do what I did the other day often, just wanted to shake my system up a little.

Also, at the concert, pants that I had bought this winter for the summer that were too tight, were falling off my ass. And not in the gangsta rapper style. Like the pants around your ankle, showing your whole ass style! MOTIVATION! And I need more perfect fit buttons. I love those frikkin things!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

frustrated... I swear this blog won't be me bitching all the time, but will probably have long as titles

Ok, so once a week Troy and I had our daughter take pics of us so we have a paper trail of our efforts. We hadn't done it in over a month, so I thought the results were going to be drastic. Eh. NO. In all honesty, Troy looks better in every pic... Me I look the same. It doesn't help that Daisy never takes the pic from the same location, so they always look way different. But I don't see any drastic or even subtle changes. It sucks. I also weighed myself today and I've gained a pound. I've been fucking with this same 2 pounds for I swear a month. It's not fair. I eat right, I exercise my ass off... well, I try to, and I don't see any fruits of my labor. Now, pictures, I have a lot to lose, so I can understand not seeing anything in a pic. But that FUCKING SCALE!!! Argh. And, I rode my bike up hills and my BMF didn't register any activity. Really? I'm sweating, huffing and puffing and nada? But it didn't seem to catch my earlier efforts either. Either my body is really getting used to this, which would suck balls, or I'm not working as hard as I thought I was. Or my BMF is dirty. Gonna clean it.


Sleep and my gastic bypass surgery

Wow! I slept 5 hours and 9 minutes last night!!!! I haven't slept this long since I've had my BodyMedia Fit monitoring it (over a week). I don't know if it's the Lunesta helping me or what? But, I'm not gonna question it. Just relish in the rest that I had last night and hope that I do the same tonight.

Ok... so my gastric bypass.... 2/11/04.

I had researched it for a while. My mother-in-law had it, and had a lot of difficulty, but she already had some health issues. I found one doctor, but I didn't have a rapport with him. Actually, I hated him. He was condescending, and not very caring. So I searched for another doctor. I found Dr. Schuricht through a friend's recommendation and I instantly fell in love with him. Handsome, friendly, and sarcastic like me! A match made in fat girl heaven. I went through all of the tests, including a psychiatric exam.

Let me explain something that people may or may not know... if you want something bad enough, you'll do anything to get it. I told the psychiatrist what she wanted to hear. No, I'm not an emotional eater, I don't eat mindlessly, nope, I don't eat when I'm bored. I don't know how I got this way, yes, I've tried every diet known to man with little to no success. I'm totally ready to do this.

I passed all my tests with flying colors... of course if you lie to the psych, you're an idiot. Hence, I'm an idiot.

Got my surgery, everything went perfectly. To start off my new life, I walked out of the hospital instead of taking the wheelchair. I'm a warrior!!! *insert roar here* One meal I remember when I got back to work a month later (I actually could have gone back to work much sooner, but had time available) was a lunch of 3 small shrimp. It took an hour to eat them. And I was completely full. Like almost uncomfortably full.

I worked out 3 days a week at least. Usually the elliptical or a salsa class at a gym that I kinda hated, but was close to my job. I ate how I was supposed to, when I was supposed to. Over time I was down to 204 lbs. I called my doc and said, listen, I'm not losing weight anymore, I'm at a plateau. So he told me to come in and see the nutritionist. I started working out 4 days a week and saw the nutritionist. Saw my doc who told me that I must not be working out enough and I must be eating wrong. He was pissed. Fuck, I was pissed. I was working my fucking ass off. So...... I got discouraged. I'm thinking, if this fucker doesn't know how I'm busting my ass to get under 200lbs, then fuck it. I gradually started eating good food.... well, bad foods. I still couldn't eat a lot at one sitting, but I would get a meal, eat what I could, and... here's the trick.... eat the rest in an hour! Well, I was tricking myself because I thought that if I split the meal into 2 I wasn't eating as much or something.... I don't know. I'm not right in the head. Had I been honest with myself and the psychiatrist, I wouldn't be in the situation I'm in now.

So this is over the course of a few years. I slowly gained weight. No longer looking at the scale, no longer killing myself at the gym. Just enjoying myself.

In 2008 all hell broke loose. I broke my ankle and severely sprained the other one. My life for a few weeks was: eat, vicodin, sleep. In that order. I couldn't work out if I wanted to (which I didn't, but that's beside the point). Then, July of 08 we were in a horrible car accident. My ankles were finally starting to feel a little better, now I had to contend with whiplash, back pain, post traumatic stress disorder, crazy pain. It was awful. Now my days were: pain, pills, physical therapy, sleep. I did work in between all this. And eat. Yeah, a lot. Then, in August 08 from an MRI my mom and I had of our brains because we both suffered from PTSD, we found out my mom had a brain tumor. Around the same time we found out Troy's mom had breast cancer, and Troy's family dog died. September my mom had surgery to remove the brain tumor, which turned out to be a benign meningioma. Then in November, my cat died suddenly. She was a year and a half old and started having seizures and was in tremendous pain. I held her as we put her to sleep. Yeah, this was all in 2008. I was so depressed, in pain, and hating life. And eating.

So, cut to 2010. Now. I've learned how to eat. I no longer eat fast food. At all. At the very worst I'll have a chicken soft taco from TB. That's if I'm starving and nowhere near anything. I workout as I said before everyday of the week. Usually at the gym... but if I don't get the amount of activity that I set as a goal on my BodyMedia Fit, I work out at home until I get it. I do at least 60 crunches a night. I walk more at work. I try to park further from buildings so I walk more. I just called my insurance and I've been going to the gym since 5/13 and I have 50 visits in. So that just shows how dedicated I am. I'm a different person now.

I get frustrated that I don't lose weight as fast as I did when I had gastric bypass, but I have to understand that my stomach and intestines were altered by surgery so I would lose weight. I had to get surgery to lose weight. Damn. That's kinda bad. Like really bad. Would I do it again? Gastric bypass, no. Lap band, possibly. But I eat right now. So I don't think I would need it. I'm going to lose weight slowly so I know that I deserve every single ounce that I drop. I no longer eat when I'm stressed. I don't eat when I'm not hungry. That was my biggest thing. Eating when I wasn't hungry. Or eating all of my food when I'm full. I'm learning what's healthy. It's a learning process. Lifelong learning. And I'm going to be a damn good student!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

GoWear Fit, Body Buggs and Heart Monitors, oh my!!!

I've been on my weight loss "journey" for almost 3 months now. I hate the term journey. It sounds so 60's hippy trippy to me. How's about adventure? I dunno about that either. I'll think of something.

I didn't weigh myself in the beginning, but I'm just going by pics and stuff from when I was at my heaviest and I'm sure I was there or past it. I wasn't going to say my height and weight, but Skinny Emmie says hers, so what the hell. I am currently 347 lbs and 5'8". At my known heaviest weight I was 375. So when I started this excursion I estimate that I was 375. Or more. But that's a safe weight to have myself start from. I know, holy shit! 375lbs? Who does that?

So now, I am hellbent on losing weight. I went from eating everything and anything to being so determined and active. It's crazy. BUT.... I'm losing weight soooo slowly. Not the typical 2 lbs a week. Like, 2 lbs every month. I'm exaggerating, but it's what it feels like. So I went from already going to the gym 6 days a week (3 days of cardio and 3 days of yoga) to almost everyday and cardio and weight training in addition to yoga. Meaning I'm in the gym around 2 hours a day almost 7 days a week. And still not losing weight that quickly. I think having gastric bypass previously really fucked up my way of thinking when it comes to sensible weight loss. So I'm kinda pissed about it.

So, I went on my ipod and found Lose It! an AWESOME app to tracking your food and weight loss and activity. Love it! And I had it linked to my facebook account, so whatever I did would show up in my status and rat me out.

But, I still felt that I wasn't successfully losing weight. So I got a heart rate monitor. I bought a New Balance Heart Rate Monitor watch. . Very basic functionality as you can't upload your weight and height, which definitely changes your calories burned count. Also, it was supposed to have a pedometer setting, but I could never access it... so it didn't really work out for me. But it was waterproof and I appreciated knowing approximately how much I burned while "swimming".

Still not losing weight at the 2lbs a week level, so I got another calorie counter that you can input your weight. I just used it for activities, never fully utilizing it because I had my eye on the prize....

The BodyMedia Fit/Go Wear Fit (by the same people that make the Body Bugg) . I bought it a week ago and I LOVE IT!!!! It's an armband that works with their website that monitors your steps taken, activity level, calories burned, calories consumed, sleep duration and efficacy. I also bought the display watch because I am a gadget girl and I need to SEE at any given time how much I've burned, how many steps I've taken. It's a little pricy, but so worth it! (They're not paying me for this). As soon as I ordered it, I got the bigger armband because I knew I would need it, and I got a skin to change the appearance of it, because I'm that kinda girl. It's comfortable night when I know I'm just going to shower then veg out, I take it off for an hour or so to rest my arm. It's soooo hot here in Philly, and it's not irritating to me. I sync it to my computer in the morning to see how badly I slept (insomnia=3 hours of sleep). I knew I was tired throughout the day, I knew it took forever to fall asleep, but I didn't know how restless I really was. It's a good thing to know.

I can see a graph that tells me that I eat more carbs than anything, I see how much of the 45 minutes that I set for activity I've accomplished, I see that I am going to eventually make my goal of being healthier.

I started my expedition doing as I said before, yoga 3 times a week and the elliptical 3 times a week. Now that I have my BMF, I do as follows:

Mondays: yoga and then a Cardio Sculpt class at my gym.
Tuesdays: Zumba and then yoga
Wednesdays: yoga the kickboxing
Thursdays: Zumba step and then yoga
Fridays: yoga and elliptical
Saturdays: elliptical and weight training
Sundays: swimming and weight training

What I've noticed is I don't burn that many calories during yoga, but I love it so I'm going to continue (my goal is eventually be a yoga instructor). I aim for 45 minutes of moderate and vigorous activities during the day. Usually I can't get them just from the classes I take (which is very surprising to me because you would think an hour of Zumba would be an hour of activity, but if you count the warm up, cool down and my numerous water breaks, it only amounts to about 30 minutes. So when I get home and get settled, I look at my display and see that I need to do 10 minutes more of activity, so I go to youtube and watch a video by and get in the rest of my workout. So now, I do at least 45 minutes of real activity, burn no less than 3500 calories a day, eat about 1800 calories a day, and I have more energy than I've had in a long time. I also do at least 50 crunches a night. I'm REALLY trying to lose weight, can you tell?

My fat scrubs are now kinda swimming on me and my "shrunken" scrubs fit great now. It's a good thing. I might not see the numbers on the scale go down as much as I wanted to, but I can now run up the steps to my house without getting winded. That's amazing!!!

*no one is paying me for my statements, but they could if they wanted to*

when taking pics from above stops working....

Ok... so this might be long. I will preface this by saying: I'm not politically correct, I'm outspoken, I'm honest and I'm fat.

I know that everyone has a blog, and more than half are people kvetching about their weight. I'm adding to the madness because I have things to say and, you never know, someone might be able to relate to me. I'm 32, live in the city, and had gastric bypass 6 years ago. Yep, you heard it right, I figured I'd just put that out there now so you wouldn't be surprised. I'll detail it more later. But just know, I'm fat again. I gained it all back. Plus. Yeah.

I used to take self pics (a la facebook and myspace profile pics) with my arm extended as long as I could, and as high as I could. It makes your chins vanish. Trust me. I have a bazillion pics of me, birdseye view, head slightly tilted looking up. Stretch the neck. There you go. Chins be gone! Do you know how hard it is to try to get a 6'3" or taller person to take pics for us when we're doing family pics?

Well, I noticed a few months ago that my nifty little trick wasn't working anymore. Wha???? Why are there still chins? Actually, when I would try to do the head tilt and neck stretch, my face looked fatter. WTF?!?!?! This was my favorite technique. What does this mean? Hmmmm. Maybe I'm not extending the neck enough, maybe my arm got shorter? Ok... let's try this again. Nope, still looks fat. Weird. Oh well, maybe it's the camera setting. I'll figure it out later.

Meanwhile, why does Troy (the bf/fiance) keep putting my scrubs in the dryer and shrinking them? Dammit.. I told him to line dry them only. I guess I'll go and get more scrubs but in the next bigger size so that when he shrinks them it won't be so tight. I'm so smart! Wth??? Damn these cheap companies are making their clothes smaller to save on fabric and screwing with the sizing. The larger scrubs fit perfectly. So now Troy still can't dry them in the dryer.

Now I know by this point, you all are like, this chick is a little slow. I'm not, I was just in complete and utter denial. See, when I look in the mirror I see a hot chick. Not Hooters girl hot (if that's your definition of hot), but just average size, average looks. Ok so hot= average. Whatever. I just had no idea that I had gained all my weight back. Plus. I think I had an inkling, but I just ignored it.

Troy and I are both heavy. So is our daughter, not like us but big enough. My mom isn't. Lucky her. So we're just like a big happy family. BIG. There were a chain of events that occurred that made Troy realize he'd gotten bigger too. He didn't have gastric bypass, btw. So he said, I'm going to lose some weight, my ass is getting too big. I'm happy for him for noticing that he'd gained weight. So, as encouragement, said that I would cut out a few bad things from my diet. See, still in denial. Well Troy went full hog and stopped drinking soda (his worst thing) and stopped eating ice cream. I stopped getting fries with my mcdonald's. A couple days later, as I rested from walking up a flight of steps, I realized that I too, had gotten crazy fat. Fine. I said it. I told Troy so I couldn't back out. And so began my journey to be able to takes pics from above to hide the chins again.... just until there's only one chin.