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Monday, December 6, 2010

I really need to update more often....

Well, I'm almost under 300 lbs. I'm 301 right at this moment. It's a wonderful feeling, but I'm also wondering how the hell I let myself get to the point where losing 75lbs would *just* put me to the 300lb mark, but it happened, I changed it, and I'm going to keep going.

Usually I battle with body image.... when I'm really fat I don't feel like I look too bad, when I lose weight I feel fat. I am not dealing with this too much lately. It's a great thing. I look in the mirror and actually feel pretty damn good. I'm proud of myself for doing this, for being healthier. And I'm essentially doing it alone, Troy has fallen off the wagon slightly over these last few months. I'm getting him back slowly but surely. It's just better when we do it together, it's more support. If I'm doing it alone, I'm more susceptible to eating whatever he's eating, and not being as diligent with exercise.

I bought scrubs in size 2x (from my previous 4x) and it took me a few weeks to fit the bottoms, now they fit. It's awesome to see changes like that. I'm selling my old 4x winter coat on ebay, going to go through my scrubs and donate the big ones, even if it leaves me just 4 pairs of scrubs. I need to get rid of it all. Make it disappear. I'll be damned if I go back.

Odd, no one mentions that I look different. I wonder if I do to other people. I work for a dentist and we see the same patients 2-4 times a year, sometimes a lot more. Someone has to notice, right? I mean it's 74lbs. Do people see it and are too polite to mention it? Is it because they've seen me go from small to huge and just are tired of my changes? WTF? A guy at the gas station I go to noticed. So that's good. Troy and my Mom compliment me all the time... they know I thrive off of compliments.

Wonder if I lost that pound yet. Typing burns calories, right?

I'm getting muscles. It's cool. I don't want to look like a bodybuilder, but I want to be cut. I have so much skin from the gastric bypass and it's not tightening up. It bothers me sometimes because it distracts from my muscles, I have to pull the skin back to show them. But they're there. I can leg press 360 pounds, that's awesome for a chick.

I'm getting my collarbone back. It was the thing I was most fond of when I lost weight before. Seeing that bone. It was proof that I was smaller, even if I couldn't see it anywhere else. If I stand at a certain angle I can see it now, peeking at me, giving me the hint of what's to come.

I can squat now. I have a torn meniscus in my right knee, and it used to hurt constantly. I couldn't squat down to pick up something that I dropped, I couldn't squat down to pet a dog. Now, I can squat, and not grunt getting back up. Actually, come to think of it, my knee doesn't hurt now. Wow... I guess it didn't like the extra weight.

I'm on Adderall now for my ADHD. It takes away my appetite, which is good because I'm also on Seasonale (or Seasonique--- can't remember which) birth control. So they balance each other out. I've always had a problem with migraines and weight gain with birth control, but I'm such a raving bitch during PMS that it's worth it to deal with that so I don't hurt anyone.

Hmmm, anything else? I don't think so. Not for now. I'll update more, I promise (to try).

Oh, I lost 5 lbs during Thanksgiving, so I'm not going to be plagued with holiday gain... not a holiday person anyway, so it doesn't really affect me anyway.

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