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Thursday, December 16, 2010

old navy

So yesterday with the whole clothing thing....

I borrowed Daisy's shirt to wear tonight. It's a regular 2x as opposed to the Women's Plus 2x (or in my previous case Women's Plus 4x). It fits great, but I still don't feel it's dressy enough... so I was trying to think of what to do.

Duh, I can go to Old Navy and try on another 2x top. I promise I won't be disappointed if nothing fits, but it will be really great to be able to shop inside of an Old Navy store instead of online where they make us fatties shop.

I weighed myself at work today (I brought my digital scale here because for some reason there is no place in my house that I can use it and get an accurate reading. It said 299.8, I put a jug of water on it which weighs 8.4 so I know if it's correct, then I weighed myself again. 299.8. I'm not going to get overexcited because we have the work dinner tonight (seafood pasta is what I'm getting) and I use the scale at the gym to give me my official readings because it's consistant.

I'm very happy with my progress. It has been frustrating more often than not... but I'm appreciating that I am working hard, and even if I "cheat" I own up to it. It's important to be culpable. Even if Troy gives us a not healthy dinner, I can decide to eat it as it is, or modify it, or not eat it at all. I have the power. My body is an extention of my mind..... if I can control my mind, I can control my body.

We're having our Holiday BBQ on Saturday. Last party I controlled myself and did good. This party will be the same. It's more laid back now, it's a potluck party. It's easier for me.

75.2 lbs down... 100 more to go. I can do this.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010


Ok... it's not about Eminem... it's about cleaning out my closet.

So, I went to my closet today to look for an outfit to wear to my office's holiday dinner tomorrow. It's a tavern so not too cas, not to dressy. I have a cute pair of denim trousers that I tried on yesterday that I knew fit (for the first time since 11/08 when I wore them to see Madonna). I was going to look for another pair of jeans that I haven't worn in over 2 years as well to see how they fit now. I learned 2 things from this seemingly innocent journey:

1. I have NO clothes!! Hanging on hangers are a shirt that I've had since 94 that I have worn for some of the biggest things I have done in my life. It's a cute Phat Farm shirt (a now defunct---or soon to be clothing company) that was not as fashionable as it was descriptive for most years. I also have 2 pairs of pants on one hanger that I don't know what they look like, but everytime I see the hanger I know for a fact that I hate the pants. Why they're still there, no clue. But they'll be there until I move (just signed a 2 year lease and love where I live). I also had the trousers on the hanger. I rummaged the bottom of the closet, bypassing the guitar, the curtains, and the cat bed, and found the other jeans. Bringing me to my next lesson:

2. My old pants, that I wore when I broke my ankle 2/08 before I gained ALL my weight back and I considered my reference point of how far I am in my weight loss and how far I need to go, are too big! When I say too big, I don't mean pop a Perfect Fit Button on them and keep moving. I mean, 1993 baggy jeans on showing the boxers baggy. Ok... well not that much, but you get the idea. NO WAY could I wear them out, let alone a work dinner. It means sooo much to me that I fit these, you can't possibly understand. It means, now I am not just losing weight *just* to get to the weight I was before I really started packing on the pounds, it means that I can start losing weight. It means that I am currently just under the weight that I was before "my injuries" caused me to start gaining weight.

This is amazing. All this time I've been working to get to the weight I was last year this time, and I took it back almost 3 years. AND it only took 6 1/2 months to repair. That's fucking awesome. Seriously, think about it.

So, I thought I had a shirt that I bought at Old Navy, but I can't find it. My daughter has taken to wearing my clothes (oversized and all). She doesn't return things. I found the shirt that I wore at the dinner last year, but coupled with the trousers that are also kinda big but I'm ignoring, it makes me look like, well, my old size. I don't want to do that. So... now what?

I don't know. It doesn't even really make sense for me to buy something, I'm not going anywhere else besides work and gym. Plus, if I try to buy something, what size am I??

Monday, December 6, 2010

Pic from 60lb loss (Oct 29th)

I really need to update more often....

Well, I'm almost under 300 lbs. I'm 301 right at this moment. It's a wonderful feeling, but I'm also wondering how the hell I let myself get to the point where losing 75lbs would *just* put me to the 300lb mark, but it happened, I changed it, and I'm going to keep going.

Usually I battle with body image.... when I'm really fat I don't feel like I look too bad, when I lose weight I feel fat. I am not dealing with this too much lately. It's a great thing. I look in the mirror and actually feel pretty damn good. I'm proud of myself for doing this, for being healthier. And I'm essentially doing it alone, Troy has fallen off the wagon slightly over these last few months. I'm getting him back slowly but surely. It's just better when we do it together, it's more support. If I'm doing it alone, I'm more susceptible to eating whatever he's eating, and not being as diligent with exercise.

I bought scrubs in size 2x (from my previous 4x) and it took me a few weeks to fit the bottoms, now they fit. It's awesome to see changes like that. I'm selling my old 4x winter coat on ebay, going to go through my scrubs and donate the big ones, even if it leaves me just 4 pairs of scrubs. I need to get rid of it all. Make it disappear. I'll be damned if I go back.

Odd, no one mentions that I look different. I wonder if I do to other people. I work for a dentist and we see the same patients 2-4 times a year, sometimes a lot more. Someone has to notice, right? I mean it's 74lbs. Do people see it and are too polite to mention it? Is it because they've seen me go from small to huge and just are tired of my changes? WTF? A guy at the gas station I go to noticed. So that's good. Troy and my Mom compliment me all the time... they know I thrive off of compliments.

Wonder if I lost that pound yet. Typing burns calories, right?

I'm getting muscles. It's cool. I don't want to look like a bodybuilder, but I want to be cut. I have so much skin from the gastric bypass and it's not tightening up. It bothers me sometimes because it distracts from my muscles, I have to pull the skin back to show them. But they're there. I can leg press 360 pounds, that's awesome for a chick.

I'm getting my collarbone back. It was the thing I was most fond of when I lost weight before. Seeing that bone. It was proof that I was smaller, even if I couldn't see it anywhere else. If I stand at a certain angle I can see it now, peeking at me, giving me the hint of what's to come.

I can squat now. I have a torn meniscus in my right knee, and it used to hurt constantly. I couldn't squat down to pick up something that I dropped, I couldn't squat down to pet a dog. Now, I can squat, and not grunt getting back up. Actually, come to think of it, my knee doesn't hurt now. Wow... I guess it didn't like the extra weight.

I'm on Adderall now for my ADHD. It takes away my appetite, which is good because I'm also on Seasonale (or Seasonique--- can't remember which) birth control. So they balance each other out. I've always had a problem with migraines and weight gain with birth control, but I'm such a raving bitch during PMS that it's worth it to deal with that so I don't hurt anyone.

Hmmm, anything else? I don't think so. Not for now. I'll update more, I promise (to try).

Oh, I lost 5 lbs during Thanksgiving, so I'm not going to be plagued with holiday gain... not a holiday person anyway, so it doesn't really affect me anyway.