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Wednesday, April 27, 2011

self esteem

I have a feeling this is gonna be long-winded....

I hate my skin. Not my skin color, or the texture. My skin. I'm sure I've discussed this topic previously, but now I'm really going to address it. I have hanging skin. It's from the gastric bypass that I had years ago. When I gained the weight back, obviously I didn't notice it because I'd filled it back up. Now, I really notice it because it's weight loss from 04 and from now. When I say I have a lot of loose skin, I mean it. I used to have "backboobs", now I have back flaps that hang near my kidneys. It ain't pretty. Dressed, you can't really tell, I wear a camisole under my clothes always. I don't wave my arms at people. I keep the shit contained. But yesterday after I got out of the shower I stood in my smaller bathroom mirror that I use to look at the back of my hair (don't judge, since I cut it I have to make sure it looks ok). I did it to look at my hair and I saw my back. I stood straight, pulled my shoulders back, and made it worse. Seriously.

So last night, I laid in bed, put my feet flat and drew my knees up.. and watched as an avalanche of skin from my thighs drowned my pelvic area to the point I couldn't see my underwear. Ok... that part my be a little exaggerated... but you get it.

My husband says he loves me no matter what, but I can't help but wonder what he is really thinking when he sees my seas of skin ebbing and flowing.

I know that I HATE it. It's all my own doing. It's my own damn fault. But I wish it weren't there.

My weight loss has slowed drastically, I've lost and gained the same 15 pounds since December. I should have lost over 100 by now, and I can't even claim to have lost 95 because I gained 3 lbs this weekend. Sidenote: Oreos are the devil. I think that I'm getting so uncomfortable with my skin that I'm not really in a hurry to make it worse (while making myself better). I've forgotten how I need to eat, what not to eat, and that I HAVE to work out. Often. I never denied myself treats once in a while, but now once in a while has become daily and it's not really a "treat" if you have it all the time.

I did Zumba last night, and the instructor saw me after class and mentioned my weight loss and how good I look. It felt great. But that stupid little devil on my shoulder whispers in my ear with chocolate tainted breath, 'You look so good now, why keep doing it? Stay where you are'. He's an asshole. There's a girl in class that has a funny shape, is always in the front, and never speaks to me. I don't like her much. I hadn't been in Zumba in a couple months because of my mom's hip issue...anyway, when we went a couple weeks ago I looked at the chick. She got BIG. Like, too big for it to have only occurs in a 8 week span. Yesterday I walked up to her and said "you look different". After us playing the hair, clothes, game she acknowledged it was the fact that she'd gained weight. Half of me was being malicious because I don't like her, the other half of me wanted to let her know that she'd gotten fat so maybe she can change it. I only see her once a week at Zumba. It's a start (I guess). But you know what? It's not my place to be her weight doctor. I just wish that someone would have said something to me when I started gaining. Anyone.

My 5k is this Sunday. I'm not happy. I figured out whilst running on an outdoor track that I HATE running. My skin bounces, my legs feel heavy, my tits flounce. Ugh. Anyway.....

Monday, April 11, 2011

whelp... I was hoping it wouldn't come to this

I hate my body. Seriously. I've done so much damage to it by having gastric bypass years ago that I have so much extra skin. That got filled with fat. And now I'm trying to lose the fat. So that means that I'm going to have extra, extra skin. My arms are what I'm really hating. The skin drops down so far that it pretty much hangs to the floor. I can spread my wings and fly. I can... ok... I'll leave it at that. I have so much extra skin/flab that when I lie in bed I just look at myself in disgust.

Last week I gained 6 lbs from Monday to Saturday. Really? I'm on birth control, so I don't think that it's period bloat. Graphic much? lol. I lost 3 of those pounds since Saturday. After walking, running, hiking and biking all weekend. Literally.

In better news (I guess)... I signed up to run the Philadelphia MS 5k. A dear friend of mine was diagnosed 10 years ago at the age of 23. My besties are running and my family are doing the walk. Whatever works. I don't think I'm ready to run... but I guess I can.