Ok... it's not about Eminem... it's about cleaning out my closet.
So, I went to my closet today to look for an outfit to wear to my office's holiday dinner tomorrow. It's a tavern so not too cas, not to dressy. I have a cute pair of denim trousers that I tried on yesterday that I knew fit (for the first time since 11/08 when I wore them to see Madonna). I was going to look for another pair of jeans that I haven't worn in over 2 years as well to see how they fit now. I learned 2 things from this seemingly innocent journey:
1. I have NO clothes!! Hanging on hangers are a shirt that I've had since 94 that I have worn for some of the biggest things I have done in my life. It's a cute Phat Farm shirt (a now defunct---or soon to be clothing company) that was not as fashionable as it was descriptive for most years. I also have 2 pairs of pants on one hanger that I don't know what they look like, but everytime I see the hanger I know for a fact that I hate the pants. Why they're still there, no clue. But they'll be there until I move (just signed a 2 year lease and love where I live). I also had the trousers on the hanger. I rummaged the bottom of the closet, bypassing the guitar, the curtains, and the cat bed, and found the other jeans. Bringing me to my next lesson:
2. My old pants, that I wore when I broke my ankle 2/08 before I gained ALL my weight back and I considered my reference point of how far I am in my weight loss and how far I need to go, are too big! When I say too big, I don't mean pop a Perfect Fit Button on them and keep moving. I mean, 1993 baggy jeans on showing the boxers baggy. Ok... well not that much, but you get the idea. NO WAY could I wear them out, let alone a work dinner. It means sooo much to me that I fit these, you can't possibly understand. It means, now I am not just losing weight *just* to get to the weight I was before I really started packing on the pounds, it means that I can start losing weight. It means that I am currently just under the weight that I was before "my injuries" caused me to start gaining weight.
This is amazing. All this time I've been working to get to the weight I was last year this time, and I took it back almost 3 years. AND it only took 6 1/2 months to repair. That's fucking awesome. Seriously, think about it.
So, I thought I had a shirt that I bought at Old Navy, but I can't find it. My daughter has taken to wearing my clothes (oversized and all). She doesn't return things. I found the shirt that I wore at the dinner last year, but coupled with the trousers that are also kinda big but I'm ignoring, it makes me look like, well, my old size. I don't want to do that. So... now what?
I don't know. It doesn't even really make sense for me to buy something, I'm not going anywhere else besides work and gym. Plus, if I try to buy something, what size am I??
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
I really need to update more often....
Well, I'm almost under 300 lbs. I'm 301 right at this moment. It's a wonderful feeling, but I'm also wondering how the hell I let myself get to the point where losing 75lbs would *just* put me to the 300lb mark, but it happened, I changed it, and I'm going to keep going.
Usually I battle with body image.... when I'm really fat I don't feel like I look too bad, when I lose weight I feel fat. I am not dealing with this too much lately. It's a great thing. I look in the mirror and actually feel pretty damn good. I'm proud of myself for doing this, for being healthier. And I'm essentially doing it alone, Troy has fallen off the wagon slightly over these last few months. I'm getting him back slowly but surely. It's just better when we do it together, it's more support. If I'm doing it alone, I'm more susceptible to eating whatever he's eating, and not being as diligent with exercise.
I bought scrubs in size 2x (from my previous 4x) and it took me a few weeks to fit the bottoms, now they fit. It's awesome to see changes like that. I'm selling my old 4x winter coat on ebay, going to go through my scrubs and donate the big ones, even if it leaves me just 4 pairs of scrubs. I need to get rid of it all. Make it disappear. I'll be damned if I go back.
Odd, no one mentions that I look different. I wonder if I do to other people. I work for a dentist and we see the same patients 2-4 times a year, sometimes a lot more. Someone has to notice, right? I mean it's 74lbs. Do people see it and are too polite to mention it? Is it because they've seen me go from small to huge and just are tired of my changes? WTF? A guy at the gas station I go to noticed. So that's good. Troy and my Mom compliment me all the time... they know I thrive off of compliments.
Wonder if I lost that pound yet. Typing burns calories, right?
I'm getting muscles. It's cool. I don't want to look like a bodybuilder, but I want to be cut. I have so much skin from the gastric bypass and it's not tightening up. It bothers me sometimes because it distracts from my muscles, I have to pull the skin back to show them. But they're there. I can leg press 360 pounds, that's awesome for a chick.
I'm getting my collarbone back. It was the thing I was most fond of when I lost weight before. Seeing that bone. It was proof that I was smaller, even if I couldn't see it anywhere else. If I stand at a certain angle I can see it now, peeking at me, giving me the hint of what's to come.
I can squat now. I have a torn meniscus in my right knee, and it used to hurt constantly. I couldn't squat down to pick up something that I dropped, I couldn't squat down to pet a dog. Now, I can squat, and not grunt getting back up. Actually, come to think of it, my knee doesn't hurt now. Wow... I guess it didn't like the extra weight.
I'm on Adderall now for my ADHD. It takes away my appetite, which is good because I'm also on Seasonale (or Seasonique--- can't remember which) birth control. So they balance each other out. I've always had a problem with migraines and weight gain with birth control, but I'm such a raving bitch during PMS that it's worth it to deal with that so I don't hurt anyone.
Hmmm, anything else? I don't think so. Not for now. I'll update more, I promise (to try).
Oh, I lost 5 lbs during Thanksgiving, so I'm not going to be plagued with holiday gain... not a holiday person anyway, so it doesn't really affect me anyway.
Usually I battle with body image.... when I'm really fat I don't feel like I look too bad, when I lose weight I feel fat. I am not dealing with this too much lately. It's a great thing. I look in the mirror and actually feel pretty damn good. I'm proud of myself for doing this, for being healthier. And I'm essentially doing it alone, Troy has fallen off the wagon slightly over these last few months. I'm getting him back slowly but surely. It's just better when we do it together, it's more support. If I'm doing it alone, I'm more susceptible to eating whatever he's eating, and not being as diligent with exercise.
I bought scrubs in size 2x (from my previous 4x) and it took me a few weeks to fit the bottoms, now they fit. It's awesome to see changes like that. I'm selling my old 4x winter coat on ebay, going to go through my scrubs and donate the big ones, even if it leaves me just 4 pairs of scrubs. I need to get rid of it all. Make it disappear. I'll be damned if I go back.
Odd, no one mentions that I look different. I wonder if I do to other people. I work for a dentist and we see the same patients 2-4 times a year, sometimes a lot more. Someone has to notice, right? I mean it's 74lbs. Do people see it and are too polite to mention it? Is it because they've seen me go from small to huge and just are tired of my changes? WTF? A guy at the gas station I go to noticed. So that's good. Troy and my Mom compliment me all the time... they know I thrive off of compliments.
Wonder if I lost that pound yet. Typing burns calories, right?
I'm getting muscles. It's cool. I don't want to look like a bodybuilder, but I want to be cut. I have so much skin from the gastric bypass and it's not tightening up. It bothers me sometimes because it distracts from my muscles, I have to pull the skin back to show them. But they're there. I can leg press 360 pounds, that's awesome for a chick.
I'm getting my collarbone back. It was the thing I was most fond of when I lost weight before. Seeing that bone. It was proof that I was smaller, even if I couldn't see it anywhere else. If I stand at a certain angle I can see it now, peeking at me, giving me the hint of what's to come.
I can squat now. I have a torn meniscus in my right knee, and it used to hurt constantly. I couldn't squat down to pick up something that I dropped, I couldn't squat down to pet a dog. Now, I can squat, and not grunt getting back up. Actually, come to think of it, my knee doesn't hurt now. Wow... I guess it didn't like the extra weight.
I'm on Adderall now for my ADHD. It takes away my appetite, which is good because I'm also on Seasonale (or Seasonique--- can't remember which) birth control. So they balance each other out. I've always had a problem with migraines and weight gain with birth control, but I'm such a raving bitch during PMS that it's worth it to deal with that so I don't hurt anyone.
Hmmm, anything else? I don't think so. Not for now. I'll update more, I promise (to try).
Oh, I lost 5 lbs during Thanksgiving, so I'm not going to be plagued with holiday gain... not a holiday person anyway, so it doesn't really affect me anyway.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
Still here...
Just been a little busy.
This past week or two (let's be honest), I haven't really been eating too well for dinner. Lots of getting takeout, etc. I have been in the mood for fish lately and I just don't eat fish. Ever. I mean, in 15 years I haven't had fish once. When I did eat it, it was always fried on a sandwich with cheese. So that's what I've been having. Ugh. Like almost every day last week. My body is pretty aware, and if I'm deficient in something I will crave a food with that something. It's cool in a way.
So my weight has stayed the same. I'm still exercising almost every day. I skipped Saturday. I'm not sure why. Just procrastinated until it was too late and I was too tired. My eating at work has been perfect.. just at home not so much. It's hard because Troy has been working a lot of overtime, so neither of us really were eating how we should. If one of us eats like shit, then we both do. It's an enabler type thing.
BUT---- this weekend when I looked in the mirror I could actually see weight loss. Like seriously see it on my own. That was amazing for me. I could sometimes see it in pictures if I had an old one next to it. But to look in the mirror and say damn, I look good.... not typical of me. I must be doing something right. It's encouraging.
My coworker literally just told me that she can see my weight loss. I love it!!!
This past week or two (let's be honest), I haven't really been eating too well for dinner. Lots of getting takeout, etc. I have been in the mood for fish lately and I just don't eat fish. Ever. I mean, in 15 years I haven't had fish once. When I did eat it, it was always fried on a sandwich with cheese. So that's what I've been having. Ugh. Like almost every day last week. My body is pretty aware, and if I'm deficient in something I will crave a food with that something. It's cool in a way.
So my weight has stayed the same. I'm still exercising almost every day. I skipped Saturday. I'm not sure why. Just procrastinated until it was too late and I was too tired. My eating at work has been perfect.. just at home not so much. It's hard because Troy has been working a lot of overtime, so neither of us really were eating how we should. If one of us eats like shit, then we both do. It's an enabler type thing.
BUT---- this weekend when I looked in the mirror I could actually see weight loss. Like seriously see it on my own. That was amazing for me. I could sometimes see it in pictures if I had an old one next to it. But to look in the mirror and say damn, I look good.... not typical of me. I must be doing something right. It's encouraging.
My coworker literally just told me that she can see my weight loss. I love it!!!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Sunday, August 1, 2010
finally!!!
This pic shows current weight, not what it was that day.
Ok, so the other day I practically killed myself. Working out like crazy, not eating, all the stuff you're not supposed to do. Then yesterday I went to the Brooks and Dunn concert, pretty much ate like shit....(still under my calories for the day and worked out but didn't eat healthy) and when I weighed myself at the gym this morning I lost 3.5 lbs!!!!!!!! I'm soooo fucking happy! I haven't really lost in a few weeks. Just gained a pound, lost the pound. It was pretty tedious. But all of my hard work really is paying off. I'm not going to do what I did the other day often, just wanted to shake my system up a little.
Also, at the concert, pants that I had bought this winter for the summer that were too tight, were falling off my ass. And not in the gangsta rapper style. Like the pants around your ankle, showing your whole ass style! MOTIVATION! And I need more perfect fit buttons. I love those frikkin things!
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