fucking frustrated....

I am over this whole weight loss shit. Seriously. Well, not really seriously, but I'm tired of the fucking scale not moving. If I see 283 one more time I'm going to start smashing scales.

I was supposed to do the Walk MS 5k run yesterday. My back has been killing me for weeks so I went to the chiropractor at 8:15am on Saturday. If you know me, you know I don't wake up before 10 during the weekend unless Romper Room is going on downstairs (2 toddlers+hardwood floors=Romper Room). So I went to the Chiropractor, awesome guy. Cracked me, made me feel slightly better... . I literally walked in there like a 90 year old woman. After that, my mom and I went on a little shopping spree at Old Navy. It was great to go there and be able to fit things.

Anyway... the 5k. I thought about it the night before and decided not to run. I felt bad because my best friends were going to run and my family was walking. Well that morning they were late so they wound up walking too (how happy am I that I chickened out and decided to walk? Seriously, I would have been running alone!). I misunderstood how far the walk was. Apparently there was a 4 mile, 6 mile and 8+ mile. We did 8.5 miles. Don't know how I managed to not know that. I didn't actually know how much it was until we got to the finish. I wasn't tracking it the whole time like I should have.

I actually don't mind walking, I really like it. But between my back hurting and the back of my knees being sore from weights the other day, it just kinda killed me. But we made it!!!!

Getting back to my frustration. I know I don't ALWAYS eat the right way... more often then not I eat like shit. But I also work my fucking ass off. My BodyMediaFit said I took close to 20,000 steps and burned 4500 calories yesterday, but I'm still the same fucking weight as Friday? I'm over it. I don't know what to do. I can't stop eating foods that I like because when you're not the cook of the house, and you don't have the healthiest things, you just have to eat what you get. I dunno. I'm very disappointed. I want to be able to work out, eat the foods I like sometimes, and still lose weight. Is that so much to ask? I don't want to be skinny. Just healthy. 283 isn't healthy. I mean damn, can I at least lose a hundred fucking pounds? I'm 8 fucking pounds away, and have been since February. I want to take my 100 pound lost pic. My goal weight isn't that low. 220. That's it. It's still obese, but for me it would be perfect.

Fuck. Maybe I should try the 7daychip. Something. Weight Watchers again? I want to be at my goal by October. At this rate, I'm not going to make it. I hated Weight Watchers. I think it's stupid. Points. It's expensive. I'd have to go to meetings with all of these fucking peppy people. Online? Don't know if I'd really follow through. I do want this. I do want to lose this weight. I don't want to be a 2x forever. XL is fine. 2x sucks. It's better than the 4x I was last year. But fuck. It makes me want to drag my sore, tired ass to the gym today. That's how much I want to lose it.

self esteem

I have a feeling this is gonna be long-winded....

I hate my skin. Not my skin color, or the texture. My skin. I'm sure I've discussed this topic previously, but now I'm really going to address it. I have hanging skin. It's from the gastric bypass that I had years ago. When I gained the weight back, obviously I didn't notice it because I'd filled it back up. Now, I really notice it because it's weight loss from 04 and from now. When I say I have a lot of loose skin, I mean it. I used to have "backboobs", now I have back flaps that hang near my kidneys. It ain't pretty. Dressed, you can't really tell, I wear a camisole under my clothes always. I don't wave my arms at people. I keep the shit contained. But yesterday after I got out of the shower I stood in my smaller bathroom mirror that I use to look at the back of my hair (don't judge, since I cut it I have to make sure it looks ok). I did it to look at my hair and I saw my back. I stood straight, pulled my shoulders back, and made it worse. Seriously.

So last night, I laid in bed, put my feet flat and drew my knees up.. and watched as an avalanche of skin from my thighs drowned my pelvic area to the point I couldn't see my underwear. Ok... that part my be a little exaggerated... but you get it.

My husband says he loves me no matter what, but I can't help but wonder what he is really thinking when he sees my seas of skin ebbing and flowing.

I know that I HATE it. It's all my own doing. It's my own damn fault. But I wish it weren't there.

My weight loss has slowed drastically, I've lost and gained the same 15 pounds since December. I should have lost over 100 by now, and I can't even claim to have lost 95 because I gained 3 lbs this weekend. Sidenote: Oreos are the devil. I think that I'm getting so uncomfortable with my skin that I'm not really in a hurry to make it worse (while making myself better). I've forgotten how I need to eat, what not to eat, and that I HAVE to work out. Often. I never denied myself treats once in a while, but now once in a while has become daily and it's not really a "treat" if you have it all the time.

I did Zumba last night, and the instructor saw me after class and mentioned my weight loss and how good I look. It felt great. But that stupid little devil on my shoulder whispers in my ear with chocolate tainted breath, 'You look so good now, why keep doing it? Stay where you are'. He's an asshole. There's a girl in class that has a funny shape, is always in the front, and never speaks to me. I don't like her much. I hadn't been in Zumba in a couple months because of my mom's hip issue...anyway, when we went a couple weeks ago I looked at the chick. She got BIG. Like, too big for it to have only occurs in a 8 week span. Yesterday I walked up to her and said "you look different". After us playing the hair, clothes, game she acknowledged it was the fact that she'd gained weight. Half of me was being malicious because I don't like her, the other half of me wanted to let her know that she'd gotten fat so maybe she can change it. I only see her once a week at Zumba. It's a start (I guess). But you know what? It's not my place to be her weight doctor. I just wish that someone would have said something to me when I started gaining. Anyone.

My 5k is this Sunday. I'm not happy. I figured out whilst running on an outdoor track that I HATE running. My skin bounces, my legs feel heavy, my tits flounce. Ugh. Anyway.....

whelp... I was hoping it wouldn't come to this

I hate my body. Seriously. I've done so much damage to it by having gastric bypass years ago that I have so much extra skin. That got filled with fat. And now I'm trying to lose the fat. So that means that I'm going to have extra, extra skin. My arms are what I'm really hating. The skin drops down so far that it pretty much hangs to the floor. I can spread my wings and fly. I can... ok... I'll leave it at that. I have so much extra skin/flab that when I lie in bed I just look at myself in disgust.

Last week I gained 6 lbs from Monday to Saturday. Really? I'm on birth control, so I don't think that it's period bloat. Graphic much? lol. I lost 3 of those pounds since Saturday. After walking, running, hiking and biking all weekend. Literally.

In better news (I guess)... I signed up to run the Philadelphia MS 5k. A dear friend of mine was diagnosed 10 years ago at the age of 23. My besties are running and my family are doing the walk. Whatever works. I don't think I'm ready to run... but I guess I can.

hmmm

Ok, well I was just gonna post about how I've lost 90lbs and how great that is, yada yada yada. But then I saw the post from last month saying that I'd lost 85lbs. Ok, so I've only lost 5lbs in a month. Something is not working. I haven't been eating as good as I should, nor have I been in the gym with any semblance of regularity. So now, fuck that! I'm back. I still have at least 75lbs I want to lose and they sure as hell ain't gonna lose themselves. So I need to get my ass in gear.

I have had some happy new developments lately which is why I haven't been too concerned with my weight. I got married 3 weeks ago!!! I'm sooo happy and in love!!!

So now, I'm going to be back on track. Gonna start running again... I kinda slacked off with the whole wedding thing.

I'll keep you posted.... cross your fingers!

85!!

I've lost 85lbs!! I've been a little slower lately... not sure why. I haven't really been eating the best and last week I wasn't feeling well but I still lost weight.

Hair today......

I have been looking for ways to be a better person. I'm a (Beginning) Buddhist, so Karma, Dharma, peace and love and all the stuff is what I'm very interested in. I decided to cut my hair and donate it. I did some research and found a place that would take my 9" hair before I cut it. I talked to Troy about it, let him know that I wanted to help someone that needs it, since I'm not able to donate financially.

I feel strange without hair, but I've cut it before so it's not that bad. I'm just excited that I can do that. My (future) mother-in-law's hair thinned when she was going through chemo, so it affects me personally.

I went online to get the paperwork to donate it and re-read the donation requirements. NO colored hair! OMG!!! But.... I found another company that doesn't matter that specifically makes wigs for children (which I really feel would benefit more because they're more delicate).

I wanted to mail everything today but they had a notice that I can donate $20 and get a shirt... so of course I want that. Maybe every few years I can do it and collect t-shirts!

I think I'm on my way to being a better person.

btw... I wasn't such a horrible person, but I wasn't good.

Run, bitch, run!

Ok... .so I wanted to do the Phillies 5k, but registration was sold out before I could sign up. I was soooo excited to do it! I'd decided that I was going to try to run it (jog?), so I was really disappointed.

So, I decided that I'm going to train to run anyway. That is not the only 5k happening this year. I could even pick one that is for a real cause, not the vague "Phillies Charities" that theirs way. Seriously, what charities?

I looked online to see how a girl like me could be a "runner". Couch to 5k! In 9 easy (ha!) weeks I could become a runner. I was already starting to plateau doing the ellipical trainer... it was getting easy(ish). So what the hell? I'm one day short of completing week 2. Yesterday I was going to DIE. But I kept doing it. It's not supposed to be easy. If it was, everyone would do it.

I have blisters on my feet, calf pain, foot pain. But I'm going to finish this. I'm going to run a 5k. :)